If you haven't read the blog from the beginning, please go to the archived ones and click on January. Read from there and then read here. THANKS!
I remember it very clearly. Travis and I (mostly me) had decided on a divorce come December 8, 2010. I had left him at the house by himself on Christmas so I could go home with my sister and my cat home to Indiana. It was an awful Christmas to say the least. On Christmas day, my best friend and I decided to snoop a little. I was able to get on his e-mail account that day. We figured out that he had been offering himself up as a man and woman on Craigslist. I was hurt. We found e-mails from all types of people, and somehow, he figured out that I was on it and changed his password within ten minutes. When I arrived home, everything was not peachy. He was in the basement and I was in our room. We didn't speak. We just lived in the same household for over a month. On the night of December 27th, my mother called to tell me that she found Travis's girl page or Tori Ann's page. I looked it up and I couldn't find it. Come to find out, he had blocked me from seeing the page. My mother let me login to her account and check it out. Lo and Behold....pictures! I was shocked! I was crying and slightly hyperventilating until I came across him in my wedding dress. I couldn't breathe or move. Where was he? He was in the basement by himself and I was suffering. We didn't say a word to him. Allison put on my shoes because I couldn't and then we took ourselves (plus the cat) to my granny's. Allison called our guy cousin to go to our house and kick him out. He packed all his things throughout the night and then met me in the morning to get his car changed out of my name. I gave him $100 and sent him on his way home. It was finally over! I didn't have to see him again....
Shew....I made it! I'm alive, healthy, and super happy. I can honestly say that I haven't been this happy in a LONG TIME. I never realized how he brought me down and not up. It is weird to see how LOW that I was when I wrote these blogs. I've learned so much about life and myself throughout this process. I finally feel that I am able to be me, confident, and an adult. I can take care of myself. I'm actually happy living the single life/alone life ;however, some people like to say that I have developed some SASS now. Hey, I LIKE IT and you can deal with it. I would also like to thank God for providing for me this whole time and for getting me through this bump in the road. If I can do it, then ANYONE CAN get through a hard time.
What have I learned through this experience?
Hold close to God in a ALL situations. He will pull you through and take care of you!
1. It isn't the end of the world when something goes wrong. You can go on and it can grow into a beautiful experience.
2. Love should be easy and not hard. It should just flow. If there is any amount of BIG trouble, then don't continue with it in a dating relationship. LOVE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE DIFFICULT! Of course, this is a TWO-SIDED street.
3. When you think that you are missing love, then you may actually just be missing the "feel good" feeling that you had while married. I just figured this out and it has set me free.
4. Once you have been to rock bottom, then you know what it is like and never let yourself get to that place again.
5. Be you and don't apologize for it. You should also not let anyone make fun of you or the things that you do. Trust me, he did it and now, they don't mean anything.
6. If your marriage is in trouble, then don't just quit. PRAY and Get help! You can prevent it, unless you have viable reasons. Divorce is NOT FUN... nor is it pretty.
7. Don't sweat the small stuff in a marriage. It just causes a fight and there is no point in the worry. If you don't like where their socks are placed, then either ask nicely or move them.
8. New friends and old friends are good for the soul. Don't EVER suffer alone! They WANT to help you.
9. Never be selfish in a divorce or splitting situation. You will look like the better person and feel better knowing that you were still kind. Keep in mind that REVENGE is mine says the Lord.
10. I am not being selfish and need to get over myself for STILL talking about my divorce. IT IS A FACT....my ex-husband is a crossdresser/transvestite. I talk about it to heal. If you don't know the whole story, then please don't tell me what to do. You didn't live in my shoes. (Did I mention SASS? LOL). Off soapbox.
11. Create new memories when the old ones hurt to think about!
12. Thank your friends and family for everything. Each moment is special and precious!
13. Every experience can turn into an opportunity to connect or help someone else. Thank you for all the wonderful people who have secretly messaged me to tell me thank you for this blog. Honestly, it was just a way of healing for myself!
14. Open your mind to new things and don't judge. It isn't our place. We may not agree with everything that everyone does but we have no room to judge. We are all not perfect! I would be the queen of imperfection but aren't we all?
15. Love God and then yourself.
16. Don't worry....be HAPPY! It isn't the end of the world....until Jesus comes.
17. Lastly, FORGIVE everyone, even if it seems impossible. Forgiveness will set you free from the anger, anxiety, and pain. Go ahead....do it and don't hold a grudge.
I could go on and on. This list is my gain list and it could go endless.
Who to thank?
I have to give a public sorry to my new friend (previously referred to as the lesbian in an earlier post). She helped me to fully let go of him and the soul ties that remained. She is a wonderful person and did not want her to feel bad. Thankfully, she broke up with him as well and then contacted me. She wanted to know if all of his lies were true and to see what I thought. I was very angry that he told such HEINOUS lies about me to her. I was very angry but that anger helped me to fully let go. I learned in my Bible study that anger isn't bad. It is what you do with that anger that makes it bad. Thank you dear friend... you will always be the only person who FULLY understands what I went through. We were meant to be friends for sure.
To my family and friends....you have supported and not judged. You have pushed me through to who I am right now. THANKS and HUGS! I love you all!
I'm sure that there is more to type but hey, talking in person is better. If you ever need anything or just NEED or WANT to talk, please message me. I may not know or be able to feel your situation, but I can listen.
Until next time......
SBS
Feel lucky, I almost posted a picture. I decided to refrain. Shew...good decision.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Lonely Lost Sock
If you are reading this blog for the first time, please scroll down to the first blog. If not, you will be thoroughly confused. You can read this one if you want though....
Hello all! I have not updated in forever but that is because I was very busy with school. I am now into a very different summer for me. A soul searching summer that involves learning to be alone. Alone? What? I'm confused! Yes, all of my roommates are gone this summer because they are all at 4-H camp. Trust me, it is the BEST place to be in the summer and I wish that I was there. However, I must stay here in Bowling Green just in case (I wish) I were to get a call for an interview and get a teacher job. Honestly, I now know that I am right where I need to be this summer. ALONE.
Being alone can be a good thing and a bad thing depending on how you take it as a person. I think most EVERYONE deals with being alone at some point in time. I think that some people experience it in little spurts and others have it for long periods of time. For me....a summer! At first, I was very upset at the fact that I was by myself but now, I have learned to embrace it. It was mainly hard because I had no one to talk to and those who know me, know that I LOVE to talk. I am now apologizing to all of my work friends for talking their heads off! Ha! Here are a few pros to the situation: I only clean up what I messed up. I can walk around the house how I want ;) ! I can turn up my music how loud I want. And trust me, much more..... On top of all of them leaving, my dearest kitty, Clover, ran away. To those readers out there, you are thinking that it isn't a big deal. Well, it was a HUGE deal because that meant that an animal that I had used as a comfort in a very difficult time was gone. God was just trying to see if I could do it ALONE! Guess what? YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! God has promised never to leave us! Here is a verse that has helped me lately: (thanks to a friend for posting it on her blog!)
James 1:2-8
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Not only have these helped me with being all my my lonesome this summer, they have also helped me with the frustration of not having a teacher job. I have been the doubter who waved like the sea! I have finally given over my job situation to God and decided to be more specific in prayer. Last year, I prayed that God would put me where I need to be. Well....he put me where I was supposed to be but not always what I wanted. Looking back, there is no way that I would have been able to be a teacher and go through a divorce like I did. Nope, God knew what he was doing! As for now, I am being highly specific in my prayer. HA! I guess that I am just encouraging everyone to really think about why things happen in the sequence that they do. There is a lesson to be learned in everything!
Here comes the thank you section..... I sincerely want to thank my dearest sister, Allison, for taking care of me, putting up with me, and loving me through the past six months. She not only helped me but she went through it with me. The crazy situation affected not only me but her as well. Silly face (he longer has a name) took advantage of both of us and wore both of our clothing! Thank you Allison! I love you!
Next, a HUGE thank you to the Hosenfield/ Pyles families for helping me with my yard work. It would have been more than an overwhelming task for me to take on as one person. However, the men in that family have greatly taken care of me and my yard is BEAUTIFUL! Why is this a big deal? I've never had to do yard work nor did I think that it was all a girls job. Thanks....
Thank you also to God for having another kitty show up literally on my neighbors doorstep! Biggest blessing for me this summer. Yes, yes, I'm the crazy cat lady from that EHarmony video. Sheesh...
With all that being said, I can now honestly say that I am happy and not struggling with much. If my blogs become more rants, then just go with it and read it. I just work through everything on my blog and for the world to read. Why? I do it because I know that I am not the only one feeling those feelings. Have a good week!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny of the blog- I randomly sat down at traffic school last week by a very outspoken Drag Queen. I somehow got brave enough to talk about my situation to him. He even thought that it was bad. You know that your CD situation is bad when a Drag queen thinks that it is bad. Is it bad that I look at these situations as God giving me opportunities to talk to people that I would have never been able to relate to previously? Hmm...but funny.
Hello all! I have not updated in forever but that is because I was very busy with school. I am now into a very different summer for me. A soul searching summer that involves learning to be alone. Alone? What? I'm confused! Yes, all of my roommates are gone this summer because they are all at 4-H camp. Trust me, it is the BEST place to be in the summer and I wish that I was there. However, I must stay here in Bowling Green just in case (I wish) I were to get a call for an interview and get a teacher job. Honestly, I now know that I am right where I need to be this summer. ALONE.
Being alone can be a good thing and a bad thing depending on how you take it as a person. I think most EVERYONE deals with being alone at some point in time. I think that some people experience it in little spurts and others have it for long periods of time. For me....a summer! At first, I was very upset at the fact that I was by myself but now, I have learned to embrace it. It was mainly hard because I had no one to talk to and those who know me, know that I LOVE to talk. I am now apologizing to all of my work friends for talking their heads off! Ha! Here are a few pros to the situation: I only clean up what I messed up. I can walk around the house how I want ;) ! I can turn up my music how loud I want. And trust me, much more..... On top of all of them leaving, my dearest kitty, Clover, ran away. To those readers out there, you are thinking that it isn't a big deal. Well, it was a HUGE deal because that meant that an animal that I had used as a comfort in a very difficult time was gone. God was just trying to see if I could do it ALONE! Guess what? YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! God has promised never to leave us! Here is a verse that has helped me lately: (thanks to a friend for posting it on her blog!)
James 1:2-8
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Not only have these helped me with being all my my lonesome this summer, they have also helped me with the frustration of not having a teacher job. I have been the doubter who waved like the sea! I have finally given over my job situation to God and decided to be more specific in prayer. Last year, I prayed that God would put me where I need to be. Well....he put me where I was supposed to be but not always what I wanted. Looking back, there is no way that I would have been able to be a teacher and go through a divorce like I did. Nope, God knew what he was doing! As for now, I am being highly specific in my prayer. HA! I guess that I am just encouraging everyone to really think about why things happen in the sequence that they do. There is a lesson to be learned in everything!
Here comes the thank you section..... I sincerely want to thank my dearest sister, Allison, for taking care of me, putting up with me, and loving me through the past six months. She not only helped me but she went through it with me. The crazy situation affected not only me but her as well. Silly face (he longer has a name) took advantage of both of us and wore both of our clothing! Thank you Allison! I love you!
Next, a HUGE thank you to the Hosenfield/ Pyles families for helping me with my yard work. It would have been more than an overwhelming task for me to take on as one person. However, the men in that family have greatly taken care of me and my yard is BEAUTIFUL! Why is this a big deal? I've never had to do yard work nor did I think that it was all a girls job. Thanks....
Thank you also to God for having another kitty show up literally on my neighbors doorstep! Biggest blessing for me this summer. Yes, yes, I'm the crazy cat lady from that EHarmony video. Sheesh...
With all that being said, I can now honestly say that I am happy and not struggling with much. If my blogs become more rants, then just go with it and read it. I just work through everything on my blog and for the world to read. Why? I do it because I know that I am not the only one feeling those feelings. Have a good week!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny of the blog- I randomly sat down at traffic school last week by a very outspoken Drag Queen. I somehow got brave enough to talk about my situation to him. He even thought that it was bad. You know that your CD situation is bad when a Drag queen thinks that it is bad. Is it bad that I look at these situations as God giving me opportunities to talk to people that I would have never been able to relate to previously? Hmm...but funny.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Rearranging
If you are reading this blog for the first time, please scroll down to the first blog. If not, you will be thoroughly confused.
I've waited a week to update my blog. I didn't want to be a "Debbie Downer" after Easter weekend. This past Monday (April 25th) would have been my two year wedding anniversary. Whoa, what a ROUGH weekend! It's only hard now because you have to take good memories and file them in the bad memory file. To be able to file them away, you have to grieve the loss of them. In a year, none of it will matter but I just had to face them at the time. Those little things are only hard because you look back a year from where you are now and see what you were doing. Once I've been over this for a year, I will look back and see my single self having a good time!
In the words of my sister, she said that I'm over being mad and caring about it all. I'm in the grieving stage of the healing process. I'm grieving the fairy tale that everyone thinks will happen when you get married and well, it didn't. It's just a phase that will soon pass!
I am now going to step on my soapbox. However, I do feel that this whole blog is my soapbox. Anyways, I need to clarify something. I thought about my blog and what I'm portraying. I did want to say that I am not judging people who choose a different lifestyle than the norm because judge not that you will not be not judged (verse in James, I think.). I love them but I don't think that their choices are always right. When I write, I write based on my own personal experience because it directly affects me. I'm not making a general statement about everyone. Get it? Got it? Good? I'm not perfect and please don't think that I am all that Godly. I need some MAJOR work, but don't we all?
Selfishness. Choosing yourself or your desires over others. Some forms of selfishness are appropriate and some are just plain ridiculous. For example, it is ok to be selfish with your time if you need that time to recoup yourself. However, I am going to dive into the bad realm of selfishness. Selfishness is wearing your wife's wedding dress and taking pictures with it. Then, you post it on facebook for random strangers to see and somehow, feel no remorse for your actions. Selfishness. I had this wonderful nightmare stuck in my head on April 25th. Thank you....now, I will file that bad memory away. I'm a little disturbed by the amount of selfishness that is going on in the world today. I'm upset at this "do what you feel or makes you happy" movement. It's pure selfishness and honestly, it doesn't say think about how your feelings will affect the ones that you love. Everyday, I see people post things online that they "feel" but they don't think about the repercussions of what they say and do. What you say on the internet, will be brought up when you come before God. He doesn't forget and what you thought FELT good to do at the time, will not feel good when God asks you why you posted things on a nothing website. I'm also preaching to the choir here or myself. I will be judged for what I write on this blog. Therefore, I need to be careful what I say. So... forgive me now.
Man, I'm long-winded! I want to take this space of internet to thank all of the people who have been an encouragement on my blog or facebook. I also want to thank the MANY people who write me messages saying that they understand what I'm going through and thank me for helping them. Wow, I am unworthy of that comment and please know that I'm praying for you.
Joke of the blog- (found on the internet this time and not taken from me) What is a CD's (see previous post if you don't know the abbreviation) idea of a good time? Eat, drink, and BE MARY!
I've waited a week to update my blog. I didn't want to be a "Debbie Downer" after Easter weekend. This past Monday (April 25th) would have been my two year wedding anniversary. Whoa, what a ROUGH weekend! It's only hard now because you have to take good memories and file them in the bad memory file. To be able to file them away, you have to grieve the loss of them. In a year, none of it will matter but I just had to face them at the time. Those little things are only hard because you look back a year from where you are now and see what you were doing. Once I've been over this for a year, I will look back and see my single self having a good time!
In the words of my sister, she said that I'm over being mad and caring about it all. I'm in the grieving stage of the healing process. I'm grieving the fairy tale that everyone thinks will happen when you get married and well, it didn't. It's just a phase that will soon pass!
I am now going to step on my soapbox. However, I do feel that this whole blog is my soapbox. Anyways, I need to clarify something. I thought about my blog and what I'm portraying. I did want to say that I am not judging people who choose a different lifestyle than the norm because judge not that you will not be not judged (verse in James, I think.). I love them but I don't think that their choices are always right. When I write, I write based on my own personal experience because it directly affects me. I'm not making a general statement about everyone. Get it? Got it? Good? I'm not perfect and please don't think that I am all that Godly. I need some MAJOR work, but don't we all?
Selfishness. Choosing yourself or your desires over others. Some forms of selfishness are appropriate and some are just plain ridiculous. For example, it is ok to be selfish with your time if you need that time to recoup yourself. However, I am going to dive into the bad realm of selfishness. Selfishness is wearing your wife's wedding dress and taking pictures with it. Then, you post it on facebook for random strangers to see and somehow, feel no remorse for your actions. Selfishness. I had this wonderful nightmare stuck in my head on April 25th. Thank you....now, I will file that bad memory away. I'm a little disturbed by the amount of selfishness that is going on in the world today. I'm upset at this "do what you feel or makes you happy" movement. It's pure selfishness and honestly, it doesn't say think about how your feelings will affect the ones that you love. Everyday, I see people post things online that they "feel" but they don't think about the repercussions of what they say and do. What you say on the internet, will be brought up when you come before God. He doesn't forget and what you thought FELT good to do at the time, will not feel good when God asks you why you posted things on a nothing website. I'm also preaching to the choir here or myself. I will be judged for what I write on this blog. Therefore, I need to be careful what I say. So... forgive me now.
Man, I'm long-winded! I want to take this space of internet to thank all of the people who have been an encouragement on my blog or facebook. I also want to thank the MANY people who write me messages saying that they understand what I'm going through and thank me for helping them. Wow, I am unworthy of that comment and please know that I'm praying for you.
Joke of the blog- (found on the internet this time and not taken from me) What is a CD's (see previous post if you don't know the abbreviation) idea of a good time? Eat, drink, and BE MARY!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I Have To Fold It And Do What?
Here is where if you haven't ready any of my blog. Please proceed to the bottom, click earlier posts, and read. Otherwise, you will be scratching your head otherwise.
Yes, I haven't blogged in a month. Nothing new and nothing to talk about really. Here are a few odd facts about my blog. I have 1,950 hits on my blog and I figured 2,000 would be a great milestone. Posting a blog about my life has resulted in the following: greater understanding from others, random guys coming out of the woodwork to talk to me (slightly awkward), major criticism from a few for "almost" making light of my situation (I forgive you but I don't care.), an outlet for when I'm feeling down and need to get things off my chest, and a way to better understand my thought processes in life (They can be odd. I know.). Enough of the random, I am going to get to the good stuff.
I am now going to preface everyone on the things that they SHOULD NOT do to someone who is either going through a divorce, break-up, or a difficult situation. These may not apply to everyone but they will be helpful. I am writing about it in hopes to prepare you for what I may write at the bottom. First off, do not ever tell someone when they NEED to forget the other person or when they need to heal. Guess what? Everyone is different and everyone heals in different ways. Honestly, no one REALLY forgets. In fact, they may heal and then have spurts of bad times. Second, do not give advice or criticism all the time. LISTEN. It is all that we want at the hardest times. Don't give it unless asked. Third, do not tell us that you have someone that you would think would be a great person to date. That is the WORST thing to say to someone. Why? Everyone needs time to close a door before they open another one, since it is impossible to go through two open doors in two different places at once. Fourth, NEVER judge them for things that they did not do. For example, do not blame them for things that they have no control over. Lastly, expect them to not feel like doing anything that they used to do. It just won't be the same for quite some time and no, getting out isn't always the BEST thing for them. Alright, I hope that I have helped for those who may not understand the hurt that others go through. Now, my turn to spill the beans....
I said that I was going to talk about the other person anymore because it wasn't healthy. Well, I have digressed but for logical reasons. My divorce was final on March 10th and it all still feels fresh. I had been feeling very sad the past couple of days and wondered why in the world I was missing someone who was not right. Then this happened.......The "shim" (feel free to laugh) has already moved on....to a lesbian (Why am I even jealous?). I am not joking here. He made it official on that credibility site, wait for it....facebook. The whole reason for sadness comes from knowing that he can just throw love away or the fact that he never loved me at all. It hurts! I hate this hurt and do not understand how one can go from relationship to relationship with this hurt following each. UGH..... I shouldn't care because he is absolutely ridiculous but I do. It's called unconditional love that you are supposed to have for another. I someone don't know how to turn that off with ANYONE. I've learned through this process that everyone has their own definition of love. They say that they love you but that may not be to the same degree that you love them. Think about it..... It is the reason why love fails us sometimes (except from God above because He knows the true definition). So no, I don't want to fold this dirty laundry and put it away yet. I'm not FULLY ready. I'm close but not all the way there yet.
On a funny note, I do kind of laugh at his new relationship status. The things that I would love to say. Poor girl....lol. I'll be good now. You can make all the jokes for me in the comment section. I shouldn't laugh but I just can't help myself.
Next blog ideas?
*What I will be looking for in the next MALE in my life.... which will be way far down the road. I know that I want someone else but I am not ready for the seriousness of a relationship. Why? Once you have been married, you realize the purpose of dating someone is really to marry. So if you aren't ready to marry, then what is the point of dating? Just saying....
* The selfishness and disrespect that goes on in people my age these days, including my opinion on my situation (of course).
Joke of the day- You know that you have married a crossdresser, when they think that their celebrity look a like is Martha Stewart.
Yes, I haven't blogged in a month. Nothing new and nothing to talk about really. Here are a few odd facts about my blog. I have 1,950 hits on my blog and I figured 2,000 would be a great milestone. Posting a blog about my life has resulted in the following: greater understanding from others, random guys coming out of the woodwork to talk to me (slightly awkward), major criticism from a few for "almost" making light of my situation (I forgive you but I don't care.), an outlet for when I'm feeling down and need to get things off my chest, and a way to better understand my thought processes in life (They can be odd. I know.). Enough of the random, I am going to get to the good stuff.
I am now going to preface everyone on the things that they SHOULD NOT do to someone who is either going through a divorce, break-up, or a difficult situation. These may not apply to everyone but they will be helpful. I am writing about it in hopes to prepare you for what I may write at the bottom. First off, do not ever tell someone when they NEED to forget the other person or when they need to heal. Guess what? Everyone is different and everyone heals in different ways. Honestly, no one REALLY forgets. In fact, they may heal and then have spurts of bad times. Second, do not give advice or criticism all the time. LISTEN. It is all that we want at the hardest times. Don't give it unless asked. Third, do not tell us that you have someone that you would think would be a great person to date. That is the WORST thing to say to someone. Why? Everyone needs time to close a door before they open another one, since it is impossible to go through two open doors in two different places at once. Fourth, NEVER judge them for things that they did not do. For example, do not blame them for things that they have no control over. Lastly, expect them to not feel like doing anything that they used to do. It just won't be the same for quite some time and no, getting out isn't always the BEST thing for them. Alright, I hope that I have helped for those who may not understand the hurt that others go through. Now, my turn to spill the beans....
I said that I was going to talk about the other person anymore because it wasn't healthy. Well, I have digressed but for logical reasons. My divorce was final on March 10th and it all still feels fresh. I had been feeling very sad the past couple of days and wondered why in the world I was missing someone who was not right. Then this happened.......The "shim" (feel free to laugh) has already moved on....to a lesbian (Why am I even jealous?). I am not joking here. He made it official on that credibility site, wait for it....facebook. The whole reason for sadness comes from knowing that he can just throw love away or the fact that he never loved me at all. It hurts! I hate this hurt and do not understand how one can go from relationship to relationship with this hurt following each. UGH..... I shouldn't care because he is absolutely ridiculous but I do. It's called unconditional love that you are supposed to have for another. I someone don't know how to turn that off with ANYONE. I've learned through this process that everyone has their own definition of love. They say that they love you but that may not be to the same degree that you love them. Think about it..... It is the reason why love fails us sometimes (except from God above because He knows the true definition). So no, I don't want to fold this dirty laundry and put it away yet. I'm not FULLY ready. I'm close but not all the way there yet.
On a funny note, I do kind of laugh at his new relationship status. The things that I would love to say. Poor girl....lol. I'll be good now. You can make all the jokes for me in the comment section. I shouldn't laugh but I just can't help myself.
Next blog ideas?
*What I will be looking for in the next MALE in my life.... which will be way far down the road. I know that I want someone else but I am not ready for the seriousness of a relationship. Why? Once you have been married, you realize the purpose of dating someone is really to marry. So if you aren't ready to marry, then what is the point of dating? Just saying....
* The selfishness and disrespect that goes on in people my age these days, including my opinion on my situation (of course).
Joke of the day- You know that you have married a crossdresser, when they think that their celebrity look a like is Martha Stewart.
Monday, March 14, 2011
CLEAN!!!!!!
If you are reading this for the first time, it may be best that you go to one of the first blog posts or else, this will all seem quite odd.
What an interesting couple of weeks! Why haven't you blogged lately? Well....two weeks ago, I went through a really low week but mostly because of a struggle with myself. Last week was great but busy. This week would be a mix of emotions already. Yesterday, I had a low evening. I was just really sad. Sad that I won't have my last name, sad that the person that I loved was not that person (like he had died), sad that the dream of being together forever was gone, and sad that I officially can't blame someone for stinking up my life (ha ha). Now, I don't feel like it's a Sarah Beth against Travis/Tori game anymore. I'm battling myself these days. I'm struggling with who I want to be now in life, setting new boundaries, establishing my morals, and figuring myself out again. I somehow lost myself to all of this mess. Hello, SB.....where are you? I have to tell myself anymore that I am the only one who can make the decision to get better (with God of course). I find this true for anyone or anything. You can't sit around and get upset about your situation because you will be stuck in that feeling so sorry for yourself mode forever. You also can't let someone else affect your emotions when they were yours to begin with in life.
Drum roll please.......As of March 14th, 2011, I am officially divorced and will be receiving my rights back to my maiden name. Although, I will still go by Ms (yes, Miss) Redmond at school because that would be too confusing and people know me by that name at the schools. It's like this piece of toilet paper that is hanging from your pants that you can't get rid of in life. LOL Now, what about all those things that you have been waiting to say or do on your blog for some time now? Maybe. I've moved on now and those "things" don't seem so important now. It's a part of the healing process. I've come a long way in a short time but I'm not done. I just know that I won't ever let myself get to where I was in that point of life. LOW...really low. And in a weird way, I feel like I am able to be more of a help to my friends since I have gone through this situation. I find that people open up to me more and want my opinion. I thank God for that opportunity. He does have sunshine in the midst of a storm. Please, please, please don't think that I am rejoicing over something that is so serious and so sad. I have to in some way enjoy it or else, I would be crying my head off like yesterday. You have to find the positive in the big negative.
What am I thankful for? I'm thankful for my jobs. I'm thankful for school because it's the one place that I don't have to think about my situation. I can be me and my focus is on children that need me. Plus, it is what I love to do. I'm thankful for Old Navy for being there for me and for giving me time when I need it. They will never know..... That being said, please be in prayer that I find a decent paying job to supplement for the fact that I won't have subbing this summer and for me to ultimately get a teacher job. It is my dream and I know that God's timing is coming to me. I've said this before but I feel like my time is coming soon. I just have to pray that it is God's time.
Maybe next blog, I will post a picture or two so everyone will believe that I'm not making this up. Maybe!?!?! Hmm..... By the way, what should my celebration cake say? Happy Single Day? Goodbye Tori/ Travis day? You can't be the bride and the groom at the same time with two pictures of him!?!?! Nah....lol
Have a great week everyone!
What an interesting couple of weeks! Why haven't you blogged lately? Well....two weeks ago, I went through a really low week but mostly because of a struggle with myself. Last week was great but busy. This week would be a mix of emotions already. Yesterday, I had a low evening. I was just really sad. Sad that I won't have my last name, sad that the person that I loved was not that person (like he had died), sad that the dream of being together forever was gone, and sad that I officially can't blame someone for stinking up my life (ha ha). Now, I don't feel like it's a Sarah Beth against Travis/Tori game anymore. I'm battling myself these days. I'm struggling with who I want to be now in life, setting new boundaries, establishing my morals, and figuring myself out again. I somehow lost myself to all of this mess. Hello, SB.....where are you? I have to tell myself anymore that I am the only one who can make the decision to get better (with God of course). I find this true for anyone or anything. You can't sit around and get upset about your situation because you will be stuck in that feeling so sorry for yourself mode forever. You also can't let someone else affect your emotions when they were yours to begin with in life.
Drum roll please.......As of March 14th, 2011, I am officially divorced and will be receiving my rights back to my maiden name. Although, I will still go by Ms (yes, Miss) Redmond at school because that would be too confusing and people know me by that name at the schools. It's like this piece of toilet paper that is hanging from your pants that you can't get rid of in life. LOL Now, what about all those things that you have been waiting to say or do on your blog for some time now? Maybe. I've moved on now and those "things" don't seem so important now. It's a part of the healing process. I've come a long way in a short time but I'm not done. I just know that I won't ever let myself get to where I was in that point of life. LOW...really low. And in a weird way, I feel like I am able to be more of a help to my friends since I have gone through this situation. I find that people open up to me more and want my opinion. I thank God for that opportunity. He does have sunshine in the midst of a storm. Please, please, please don't think that I am rejoicing over something that is so serious and so sad. I have to in some way enjoy it or else, I would be crying my head off like yesterday. You have to find the positive in the big negative.
What am I thankful for? I'm thankful for my jobs. I'm thankful for school because it's the one place that I don't have to think about my situation. I can be me and my focus is on children that need me. Plus, it is what I love to do. I'm thankful for Old Navy for being there for me and for giving me time when I need it. They will never know..... That being said, please be in prayer that I find a decent paying job to supplement for the fact that I won't have subbing this summer and for me to ultimately get a teacher job. It is my dream and I know that God's timing is coming to me. I've said this before but I feel like my time is coming soon. I just have to pray that it is God's time.
Maybe next blog, I will post a picture or two so everyone will believe that I'm not making this up. Maybe!?!?! Hmm..... By the way, what should my celebration cake say? Happy Single Day? Goodbye Tori/ Travis day? You can't be the bride and the groom at the same time with two pictures of him!?!?! Nah....lol
Have a great week everyone!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Slow Cleaning Process
Welcome! If you haven't read the full blog and you are confused at this moment, please scroll down unless you want to spare yourself the awkward trouble. LOL
Feelings and dealings of this week- In my Bible study, they said the more that you loved someone, then the longer or more that you will grieve for them. What if I'm sick of grieving? What if I'm ready to move on? Does that mean that I really didn't love them? No, it just means that I will still love that person but not in the way that God intended for two people. It means that I'm ready to move on. So here I go- Travis Redmond and Tori Ann Redmond (it feels appropriate to forgive both personalities), I forgive you for everything that you have done to me. I don't think that what you did will EVER be right but I forgive you. I pray often that you find God and that he heals you of this battle going inside of you. I pray that you fall on your knees and let God show you who he wants you to be in life. LISTEN to HIM because he's reaching out to you! And to whoever is reading this and doesn't know God, then I pray for you too. God has been trying to call you and you haven't been answering. LISTEN! Don't let the devil trick you into thinking that you have time left. YOU DON'T!
Well kids, I signed the very important papers today. Note to the world- They should require that much signing and paperwork to get married instead of divorcing. Then maybe, people would REALLY think about their decisions. LOL Notaries, technical terms, terms to get your bum covered for the other terms, non-marital property, marital property and more that keeps rolling around in my brain today. Someone will be receiving the information and I'm praying for him to sign it quickly. Everyone keeps saying, "Wow Sarah Beth, that was a quick process!". Don't act surprised....it can be a fairly quick process if both parties end on a civil note.
All of the signing and junk has created the roller coaster of emotions effect again. I'm doing much better than I was doing but it just brought up all of the feelings of loss. I shouldn't have to be signing divorce papers at 25. I shouldn't be that girl who is going to be known as the one who got divorced. I didn't want that for my life but no one really does want it. I just hope this blog helps everyone to be more sensitive to people who are going through divorce. I think that I was the person who secretly looked down on the whole matter of divorce. I will NEVER do it again. This is a horrible experience and I pray that no one else that I know has to go through it. In my Bible study this week, we talked about what God says about divorce and what are reasons to divorce. Ding, ding, ding, my case is a winner but I can't say that I don't feel guilty still. I know it's wrong and that my God hates divorce. It says that those who have done the wronging are at fault and the ones that were wronged are free to marry again. Then, there are all of those bad verses about a divorced woman which apparently only applies if you were the one doing the wrong. I hope.....or I may cry if I read another one. I'm sorry Lord for sinning!
To top it off, I also went to court for my lovely speeding ticket/no insurance crap (which was dismissed because I have insurance). This girlie is a lot poorer and going to traffic school. This teacher is about to be schooled in driving. UGH....lol. Here is a tidbit of information about the experience: I got into the court room (when they started to call names) and realized that I had every other insurance paper but the one that I needed. Run to elevator, run across the justice center parking lot, get in car and get insurance paper, run back across the justice center parking lot, go through metal detector in lightning speed, run to the elevator, go up and walk briskly back inside huffing and puffing, and wait to be called. I may have laughed at myself later for that craziness. Why wouldn't I do that? I'm Sarah Beth. I do crazy things and crazy things happen to me!
Funny joke of the day- Your husband may be a crossdresser if..... he lists the Notebook and Taylor Swift (especially since someone hated me listening to her with me but then secretly liked her) as some of his favorites on his facebook page. LOL Enough said....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Is That Dirty Or What?
Well, well, well....here we meet again. This time, I'm laughing at what I am about to post. In my head, I'm going...REALLY? REALLY? I'm really not that surprised.
This following link was posted the day before Valentine's day. Someone has amazing timing! I'm not posting this to out someone because well, it isn't a secret anymore. And just so everyone knows, my blog is still better! However, I just want everyone to see the game that was played with me. This would have been nice to know. I always used to say to him that there was something not right because I always felt like he was hiding something. Well, I should totally believe my instinct because it was trying to tell me everything in this blog. Check out the bottom blog post. Please DO NOT make fun of the spelling!!!!!
I'm not posting the link because I'm sparing everyone the picture that goes along with it.
My Life by Tori Ann......
"Well this is the first blog i have ever done in my life. I am doing this because my doctor sad this will help me. I am a 26 year old guy that wants to be a girl. I am a transsexual woman. I was born on 12/10/1984 in Ohio. I have grown up all my life on my family farm. I finished high school in 2004. When i was young i have all was played with the girls and never played sports. When i was in high school i played in the band and also singed in the choirs. Growing up i all was snok in my moms and sisters room and all was tried on there heels and dresses. When i was in high school i started wearing more girl clothing. When i was in college i started dressing as a girl a lot more. And then i got my own place and i would dress as a girl for days at a time. Then i went to Kentucky for a internship and i did not dress for a year. When i was in KY i met a girl named Sarah. When we where dating i lost the erg to dress as a girl. In 2008 i moved to KY and did not dress for almost a year. Then bang all of a sodden i had the erg to start wearing girls clothing. When i am dressed as Tori i feel more happy and more comfy as a person. I thot that the dressing would pass like be for but i was rong. Sarah and i got married and i lost the erg to dress. Then about a year goes by and i had the erg agean. In the last 3 mounths Sarah and i are separated and getting a devours. I am sorry Sarah and all the people i have hert and lost. i moved back in with my mom and dad and saving to get my own place. I will be adding more once a week.":In a more positive note, I feel much better about everything. I had a wonderful Valentine's Day. Thank you Valentine! I went to my Bible study and wouldn't you know that we had to talk about loneliness. I was not in the mood for this talk. Why? I'm to the point where I've made big strides and I'm ready to not keep talking about it. Let's move with this train of healing.... I don't want to be known as the woman who married the crossdresser anymore. I'm done! In fact, I even told him/her the other day that I'm close to forgiving. I can't wait for the day that I tell him....I forgive you. It will be the last move in this stupid game that I was put into.
Until next week....
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