Well, HELLO!
I've been a little busy lately with the good and the bad. Therefore, I haven't felt the desire to blog. Here it goes...
What has happened to me lately?
Someone (no names mentioned but we all know who...cough...cough.) recently spent $60 on an Itunes account using my debit card. Therefore, I had to go fix all of that problem at the bank. In between all of that, said person cussed me out. Then, I got pulled over for speeding on my way back from church. I received a ticket and I have to go to court for my insurance paper. A big mix up since I took someone off of it recently. Let's just say that I cried or more like bawled about it, but not because of the ticket. I know that I probably deserved it. I cried more because everything keeps happening to me and I keep taking it very personally, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Don't worry though, I'm learning that I can't take everything so seriously.
What have I learned lately?
I think that I've learned a lot about love. Even though I was married, I still don't know the true meaning of it. How can I? Mine was a lie from the beginning to the middle and sadly the end. Here is what it should be:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7
Here's where it went wrong: Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. If you never had the truth, then love will delight in evil the whole time. Hmmm....makes sense. It's just a thought that I had about my life. It's like this realization that I can guard my heart again for someone to show me that real love, like God. Just food for thought...
What else have you learned? For those who don't know, I am taking a Divorce care class at my church and I love it. It helps me to be with people who are going through the same emotions and to better understand them with God by our side. I am the youngest one in the class but somehow, I fit right in. In my class, they have told us that we need to make a list of our losses and gains. Eventually, we will add on to the list and the things that matter now will not matter later on in life. YIPPEE! I've also decided that this class and what I reflect on can be used in a break-up of even a long relationship (non-married). So...I've decided to share my list with all because it makes me more accountable to change. Again, this may be more info than you want to know but, who cares?
Let's start with LOSSES since the good part comes at the end:
* Losing one of my best friends and husband.
* Losing a part of me. You don't just give back what you lost. That part of you is torn.
* Losing my youth and innocence to someone who I thought deserved it.
* Losing that comfort of someone else sleeping by you in bed. (Allison fills that space now.)
* Losing my love for some of my favorite hobbies or things to do since they were things that "we" liked to do.
* Losing the good memories because now, the good ones don't seem so great!
* Losing the desire to cook and clean. I just have to do it because it bugs me. HA!
* Losing some form of an income (oh wait, he never really helped with that one...it's a GAIN!).
* Losing my love and completeness.
* Losing my stinkin' curling iron to a boy! UGH....
* Losing a lot of my clothing. Who wants to wear it after a boy (or should I say girl?) did? Not me!
GAINS!!!!!!!!!! WHOOT WHOOT!
* Gaining a fierce sense of independence and I like it!
* Gain- More money in my bank account....now that someone isn't spending it. I actually get to do fun things with my money that I earn? New concept for me!
* Gain- Being WAY more confident with myself as a woman. YEAH!
* Gain- Getting to spend more time with my friends. I missed them!
* Gain- I don't have to share things anymore. It is all MINE! Ha, ha...kidding.
* Gain- I get to actually learn to love someone someday that I can trust.
* Gain (already knew this one)- Seeing how much everyone and especially my FAMILY loves me.
* Gain- I get to purchase new clothing since someone either wore it or stole it. WHOOT!
* Gain- I get to feel secure and safe again. Some part of me used to feel so paranoid as to what someone may do next to ruin things.
* Gain- I can go anywhere and do anything without worrying about another half.
* Gain- I get to redo my bedroom. Hello black, white, and red!
* Gain- I get to keep my cat and you don't. HA!
* Gain- More fun with my roommate/sister! We have way more dance parties now...
* MORE TO COME!
I'm sure that you are all wanting to know more about the CD (crossdresser). Well, I'm not going to say much about him/her this week because I'm trying to move on. However, I just need to clear up something....I totally look better in my swimsuit and my wedding dress. Tori (the CD) looks fat in them! ENOUGH SAID...
I am going to give readers an opportunity to ask questions....don't be afraid to ask anything. Why? Because I'm not afraid to answer anything anymore. How could I? My whole life has been flipped upside down and turned inside out. If you don't see the question right after you type it, it is because I moderate all of my comments. It helps to stray the creepers that don't know me. Ready, set, GO!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Laundry Detergent Will NOT Fix The Problem
Shew....that went better than I expected!
So, it has taken me over a week to actually want to post. I'm battling with my boundaries with this blog and what I want to say. I just keep mentally slapping myself to tell myself that the point of this blog is to step out of my box. So...here I go.....
I know that most of you are wondering why I felt the need to even post all of this online for the world to see. Well, I am a believer in breaking some societal norms that have been passed down through the ages. Does that mean that I still follow most? YES! Even to this day, telling everyone that you are getting a divorce, crossdressing, and a woman speaking her mind is considered taboo. Unfortunately, I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of all awkward taboo topics. I've decided it is because I was the one who was naive about them and never talked about them. I was the one who brushed them off and just agreed with what the other person was convincing everyone about them. Well, I will no longer be that person (thank you to the New Year's Resolutions). Going too far? No.
If you are wondering, I'm not trying to write this blog to show off my anger because that's God's job. However, I can't say that I am not deeply angered. It's hard to admit, but hey, you try to have a partner that appears now to be a totally different person. It's like getting your favorite sucker, opening it, and then realizing it's banana not cherry. Am I doing this in vengeance? Vengeance is mine says the LORD! I'm doing this to prove that you can live through the tough times. And I mean awkwardly tough...
How does one figure out that their husband is a crossdresser?
In the words of Allison, you ask them the following: "If I lay my dress here, are you going to wear it or leave it be?" (we've recently found humor in the small things.). Well, you find your clothes in the back of his car on more than one occasion. A box full of random women's things, including wigs, purses, fingernails, and much more that no one REALLY wants to know. You find your other half offering themselves on social networks and craigslist. After all is even said and done, you eventually find their girl facebook page with a picture of them in your wedding dress. You cry. You ask. They lie about it all. However, the same person will ask your family members, your friends, and your roommate to supply them with clothes, shoes, hair styling tips. Then tell them, don't tell Sarah Beth. Then, they will get really angry when confronted about it all because they don't understand why everyone is accusing them of something that they don't do. But really.....why would anyone just accuse someone that they know of being a crossdresser? Welcome to a smidgen of my world. The world that I've hidden and bottled up. The world that has made me an angry person (hopefully just for a little while), a person with anxiety or fear for what everyone may think, and a person who is broken in all parts.
What is going on in their heads?
I've recently done research on crossdressers. I wanted to better understand their world. One man claimed that he wasn't satisfied with himself unless he could be both people. And if he didn't get to be his "girl" self, then he was just mad at the world and his life felt hopeless. My situation clicked after hearing the previous information. You can't change these people. They don't really want to be this way but for some reason, they can't help it. Although, I know one person who can. You know....who is it?....wait, oh, I've got it...GOD!
What is it like to be married to one?
Everyone has one. Someone in their life that has high expectations of them or that they have high expectations upon. It's like you can't do anything to satisfy them or to make them happy. You've come to conclusion that no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be enough for them. Being married to a crossdresser is realizing that you will never be enough for their needs. I struggle with the feeling of losing my womanhood and the act of making your other half happy emotionally and physically. It can't happen in that world. I've lost the battle of being a good wife, but not by my own will.
What am I feeling and dealing this week?
It's a question that I try to answer every week now. So, my Bible study for my Divorce Care class at church has weekly/daily lessons for me to do in a book. I read Psalm 91 recently and well, it kind of hit home. It talks about how if you really do love God, dwell in him, TRULY follow him, and live out his word, then all things bad with be kept from you. In fact, it says that the longings of the wicked will never come true. And I wondered, does that mean that I wasn't following God close enough to be saved from this wickedness? Was it me? I guess it was just God telling me that I needed to be closer to him because he couldn't bless me like he wanted to if I stayed with the husband. I guess guilt is coming in to play. I know that it shouldn't because I haven't done anything wrong. However, one always needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves.
Tip for the week- you know it's a bad day when your husband steals your curling iron. So...HIDE YA CLOTHES and HIDE YO MAKE-UP! Enough said...
So, it has taken me over a week to actually want to post. I'm battling with my boundaries with this blog and what I want to say. I just keep mentally slapping myself to tell myself that the point of this blog is to step out of my box. So...here I go.....
I know that most of you are wondering why I felt the need to even post all of this online for the world to see. Well, I am a believer in breaking some societal norms that have been passed down through the ages. Does that mean that I still follow most? YES! Even to this day, telling everyone that you are getting a divorce, crossdressing, and a woman speaking her mind is considered taboo. Unfortunately, I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of all awkward taboo topics. I've decided it is because I was the one who was naive about them and never talked about them. I was the one who brushed them off and just agreed with what the other person was convincing everyone about them. Well, I will no longer be that person (thank you to the New Year's Resolutions). Going too far? No.
If you are wondering, I'm not trying to write this blog to show off my anger because that's God's job. However, I can't say that I am not deeply angered. It's hard to admit, but hey, you try to have a partner that appears now to be a totally different person. It's like getting your favorite sucker, opening it, and then realizing it's banana not cherry. Am I doing this in vengeance? Vengeance is mine says the LORD! I'm doing this to prove that you can live through the tough times. And I mean awkwardly tough...
How does one figure out that their husband is a crossdresser?
In the words of Allison, you ask them the following: "If I lay my dress here, are you going to wear it or leave it be?" (we've recently found humor in the small things.). Well, you find your clothes in the back of his car on more than one occasion. A box full of random women's things, including wigs, purses, fingernails, and much more that no one REALLY wants to know. You find your other half offering themselves on social networks and craigslist. After all is even said and done, you eventually find their girl facebook page with a picture of them in your wedding dress. You cry. You ask. They lie about it all. However, the same person will ask your family members, your friends, and your roommate to supply them with clothes, shoes, hair styling tips. Then tell them, don't tell Sarah Beth. Then, they will get really angry when confronted about it all because they don't understand why everyone is accusing them of something that they don't do. But really.....why would anyone just accuse someone that they know of being a crossdresser? Welcome to a smidgen of my world. The world that I've hidden and bottled up. The world that has made me an angry person (hopefully just for a little while), a person with anxiety or fear for what everyone may think, and a person who is broken in all parts.
What is going on in their heads?
I've recently done research on crossdressers. I wanted to better understand their world. One man claimed that he wasn't satisfied with himself unless he could be both people. And if he didn't get to be his "girl" self, then he was just mad at the world and his life felt hopeless. My situation clicked after hearing the previous information. You can't change these people. They don't really want to be this way but for some reason, they can't help it. Although, I know one person who can. You know....who is it?....wait, oh, I've got it...GOD!
What is it like to be married to one?
Everyone has one. Someone in their life that has high expectations of them or that they have high expectations upon. It's like you can't do anything to satisfy them or to make them happy. You've come to conclusion that no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be enough for them. Being married to a crossdresser is realizing that you will never be enough for their needs. I struggle with the feeling of losing my womanhood and the act of making your other half happy emotionally and physically. It can't happen in that world. I've lost the battle of being a good wife, but not by my own will.
What am I feeling and dealing this week?
It's a question that I try to answer every week now. So, my Bible study for my Divorce Care class at church has weekly/daily lessons for me to do in a book. I read Psalm 91 recently and well, it kind of hit home. It talks about how if you really do love God, dwell in him, TRULY follow him, and live out his word, then all things bad with be kept from you. In fact, it says that the longings of the wicked will never come true. And I wondered, does that mean that I wasn't following God close enough to be saved from this wickedness? Was it me? I guess it was just God telling me that I needed to be closer to him because he couldn't bless me like he wanted to if I stayed with the husband. I guess guilt is coming in to play. I know that it shouldn't because I haven't done anything wrong. However, one always needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves.
Tip for the week- you know it's a bad day when your husband steals your curling iron. So...HIDE YA CLOTHES and HIDE YO MAKE-UP! Enough said...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
What dirty laundry?
Hello All,
Welcome to my new blog where I get real down and dirty with the events of my life. I've been known to hold back and not let my true feelings show. I also have a tendency to only say things to please others. Well, guess what? I'm done with pleasing others and not letting my true feelings show. This blog is an attempt to work through my problems and to become the adult that I am intended to be. I want to say something to inspire someone to make a change, to step out of their comfort zone, to see a different point of view, and much more. Put on your seat belts because you're never going to believe what's going to happen on this ride!
Airing out your dirty laundry? What dirty laundry? I'm so confused! For those of you who are not aware, I have been through a very big life changing event in the last month. Pretend that you went to bed one night and everything was fine and then the next day, a tornado rips through your home. You lose everything! You never thought that this would happen to you EVER in your lifetime. Welcome to my world but in a different aspect of life. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I just have to pick myself up and go on.
On to the dirty laundry...
In the past month, I've gone from married to separated to now starting a divorce. OH NO not the D word! Yep, I never believed in the word, nor do I enjoy talking about it. I'm not using this blog to make light or fun of it. It is a VERY serious matter and quite life changing. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and the seriousness that God has put upon it. I believe almost ALL marriage problems can be solved before headed down the D train. However, my life has become the exception to the rule. I am young and I will overcome with help from only the Father above.
Some of you may ask- What happened? To sum it up, my husband chose a lifestyle over me but he chose it WAY before I even knew him or married him. I'm not afraid to tell anyone because he has not been afraid to tell everyone a lie or air his dirty laundry via the internet. I've held in my problems or "dirty laundry" too long. I finally divulged and told my family. I feel set free. My soon to be ex-husband is a compulsive liar, horrible with money, a crossdresser, and wants to be a transvestite. What more could a girl ask for? I didn't ask for this to happen to me and I don't know why this is happening to me. I just have to put myself closer to God, in hopes of regaining strength. I know that no one understands nor will understand what I am going through. It's just God who knows me and what I'm going through.
This is just a preview into my new blog and the content. It will include more explanation, my feelings, jokes (it's better to laugh than cry), God's word, and just my daily life. Welcome to my dirty laundry.....
Welcome to my new blog where I get real down and dirty with the events of my life. I've been known to hold back and not let my true feelings show. I also have a tendency to only say things to please others. Well, guess what? I'm done with pleasing others and not letting my true feelings show. This blog is an attempt to work through my problems and to become the adult that I am intended to be. I want to say something to inspire someone to make a change, to step out of their comfort zone, to see a different point of view, and much more. Put on your seat belts because you're never going to believe what's going to happen on this ride!
Airing out your dirty laundry? What dirty laundry? I'm so confused! For those of you who are not aware, I have been through a very big life changing event in the last month. Pretend that you went to bed one night and everything was fine and then the next day, a tornado rips through your home. You lose everything! You never thought that this would happen to you EVER in your lifetime. Welcome to my world but in a different aspect of life. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I just have to pick myself up and go on.
On to the dirty laundry...
In the past month, I've gone from married to separated to now starting a divorce. OH NO not the D word! Yep, I never believed in the word, nor do I enjoy talking about it. I'm not using this blog to make light or fun of it. It is a VERY serious matter and quite life changing. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and the seriousness that God has put upon it. I believe almost ALL marriage problems can be solved before headed down the D train. However, my life has become the exception to the rule. I am young and I will overcome with help from only the Father above.
Some of you may ask- What happened? To sum it up, my husband chose a lifestyle over me but he chose it WAY before I even knew him or married him. I'm not afraid to tell anyone because he has not been afraid to tell everyone a lie or air his dirty laundry via the internet. I've held in my problems or "dirty laundry" too long. I finally divulged and told my family. I feel set free. My soon to be ex-husband is a compulsive liar, horrible with money, a crossdresser, and wants to be a transvestite. What more could a girl ask for? I didn't ask for this to happen to me and I don't know why this is happening to me. I just have to put myself closer to God, in hopes of regaining strength. I know that no one understands nor will understand what I am going through. It's just God who knows me and what I'm going through.
This is just a preview into my new blog and the content. It will include more explanation, my feelings, jokes (it's better to laugh than cry), God's word, and just my daily life. Welcome to my dirty laundry.....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time. Enjoying one moment at a time and accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
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