Laundry Detergent Will NOT Fix The Problem

Shew....that went better than I expected!
   So, it has taken me over a week to actually want to post. I'm battling with my boundaries with this blog and what I want to say. I just keep mentally slapping myself to tell myself that the point of this blog is to step out of my box. So...here I go.....
     I know that most of you are wondering why I felt the need to even post all of this online for the world to see. Well, I am a believer in breaking some societal norms that have been passed down through the ages. Does that mean that I still follow most? YES! Even to this day, telling everyone that you are getting a divorce, crossdressing, and a woman speaking her mind is considered taboo. Unfortunately, I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of all awkward taboo topics. I've decided it is because I was the one who was naive about them and never talked about them. I was the one who brushed them off and just agreed with what the other person was convincing everyone about them. Well, I will no longer be that person (thank you to the New Year's Resolutions). Going too far? No.

  If you are wondering, I'm not trying to write this blog to show off my anger because that's God's job. However, I can't say that I am not deeply angered. It's hard to admit, but hey, you try to have a partner that appears now to be a totally different person. It's like getting your favorite sucker, opening it, and then realizing it's banana not cherry.  Am I doing this in vengeance? Vengeance is mine says the LORD! I'm doing this to prove that you can live through the tough times. And I mean awkwardly tough...

  How does one figure out that their husband is a crossdresser? 
                In the words of Allison, you ask them the following: "If I lay my dress here, are you going to wear it or leave it be?" (we've recently found humor in the small things.). Well, you find your clothes in the back of his car on more than one occasion. A box full of random women's things, including wigs, purses, fingernails, and much more that no one REALLY wants to know. You find your other half offering themselves on social networks and craigslist. After all is even said and done, you eventually find their girl facebook page with a picture of them in your wedding dress. You cry. You ask. They lie about it all. However, the same person will ask your family members, your friends, and your roommate to supply them with clothes, shoes, hair styling tips. Then tell them, don't tell Sarah Beth. Then, they will get really angry when confronted about it all because they don't understand why everyone is accusing them of something that they don't do. But really.....why would anyone just accuse someone that they know of being a crossdresser? Welcome to a smidgen of my world. The world that I've hidden and bottled up. The world that has made me an angry person (hopefully just for a little while), a person with anxiety or fear for what everyone may think, and a person who is broken in all parts.

 What is going on in their heads?
             I've recently done research on crossdressers. I wanted to better understand their world. One man claimed that he wasn't satisfied with himself unless he could be both people. And if he didn't get to be his "girl" self, then he was just mad at the world and his life felt hopeless. My situation clicked after hearing the previous information. You can't change these people. They don't really want to be this way but for some reason, they can't help it. Although, I know one person who can. You know....who is it?....wait, oh, I've got it...GOD!

What is it like to be married to one? 
             Everyone has one. Someone in their life that has high expectations of them or that they have high expectations upon. It's like you can't do anything to satisfy them or to make them happy.    You've come to conclusion that no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be enough for them. Being married to a crossdresser is realizing that you will never be enough for their needs. I struggle with the feeling of losing my womanhood and the act of making your other half happy emotionally and physically. It can't happen in that world. I've lost the battle of being a good wife, but not by my own will.

   What am I feeling and dealing this week? 
It's a question that I try to answer every week now. So, my Bible study for my Divorce Care class at church has weekly/daily lessons for me to do in a book. I read Psalm 91 recently and well, it kind of hit home. It talks about how if you really do love God, dwell in him, TRULY follow him, and live out his word, then all things bad with be kept from you. In fact, it says that the longings of the wicked will never come true. And I wondered, does that mean that I wasn't following God close enough to be saved from this wickedness? Was it me? I guess it was just God telling me that I needed to be closer to him because he couldn't bless me like he wanted to if I stayed with the husband. I guess guilt is coming in to play. I know that it shouldn't because I haven't done anything wrong. However, one always needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves.

Tip for the week- you know it's a bad day when your husband steals your curling iron. So...HIDE YA CLOTHES and HIDE YO MAKE-UP! Enough said...